so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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