you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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