NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
