The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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