I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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