2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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