Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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