if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
