My hair reeks of homosexuality.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
