I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
