Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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