In the future we'll all be gay
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
