Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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