I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
