ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
