update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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