I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Never underestimate the power of titties
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
