Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
