my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
