Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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