I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
