I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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