he wants to bone in the snuggie
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
