my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
