I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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