I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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