I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
