is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
