I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
