K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Randomize
