she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
