saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
third nipple confirmed
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
