Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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