Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
