Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
