ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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