Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
