Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
