8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
