Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
