Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
