I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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