Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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