YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I just threw up on my dentist
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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