How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
