You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
