I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
