he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
