I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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