1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
